Going Hatshepsut...

I'm in transition.  I'm good at what I do.  Is it my heart's desire? eh, maybe not, but it pays the bills - and yes I do find some enjoyment out of it.


Yet, I'm constantly overlooked.  A bone is thrown here and there, but nothing that makes me feel I'm truly appreciated and acknowledged for what I do.  I don't know, maybe it's that cocky Aries in me, but dammit - I don't need someone "telling" me all the time, sometimes you need to be shown.  That's like someone that tells you they love you over and over again, but no where, no place do they actually show it.  Plus saying the world love is so simple today, people love everything and it has cheapened the meaning in my humble opinion.


So usually when I feel this way, I either read proverbs or something from one of my Heroes or Sheroes to keep me going, offering me a different view or to offer patience and I have a lot of Heroes and Sheroes. That could be Malcolm X, John Henrik Clarke, Nikki Giovanni, or Maya Angelou.  This time however, I happened to hear Egypt (KMT) on television this morning and since I've always been into Khemetology, I figured I'd zero in on one of my favorite Pharaoh's - Hatshepsut.


To those that do not know who She was (yes She), She was the first female Pharaoh, she took what she wanted.  Not to be greedy or to be a bitch - she did it because she knew it was her calling, her birthright and that she knew she would be good at it.  She had a successful reign, one of the most successful reigns of Khemet. She raised her daughter while raising a nation.  


Now do I equate myself to Hatshepsut? Of course not, yet I've always felt a kinship with this particular Pharaoh.  When you know something about yourself that others cannot seem to see, sometimes you have to show them, put it dead in their faces.  When they view it and finally get it, the world can be a better place, because that has always been your goal, to make things better.  So that's what I'm going to start referring to as Going Hatshepsut. The haters will have their time when I'm dead and gone - the same way they did after she died.  The didn't consider defacing anything with her likeness while she reigned (most punks don't) - so they waited until she was gone.  I can live with that.  Time to step it up and Go Hatshepsut on that ass...

Poetry

I won't say I'm a poet, but I enjoy writing and every now and again, my emotions tell my mind and fingers to write a little something...  This is an oldie and a thought provokie... Me in one of my rawest female states:

Empty

Shivering from the cold…

Old, stiff surroundings

Slight cramp begins to dance up my left thigh

Finding its destination in the middle of my back

This discomfort, outweighing the pain

A sneaky tear wells, dropping from the corner of my left eye

And I begin to realize that I’ll never rub your back

Or rub the tear from your eye

The nurse arrives, just to check to make sure I’m okay

I smile, that smile I’ve smiled so many times

One that assures her that I’m okay

Yet inside, I understand how I’m lying to myself

I feel more wetness between my thighs

Now a sharp cramp

As the tears begin to run swiftly

From both eyes, destination, my cheeks

I attempt to hug myself and close my eyes, slowly and tightly.

Deep in wonder on why I’m losing something

I’ve yearned for

For so very long

I wonder if you would have made it

Would you have looked like me?

Smiled like me?

I planned to do so much not only

With you but for you

I slowly open my eyes, wiping the many tears

And smile

Again, lying to myself

I’ll be okay

Maybe, it wasn’t meant to be

Still, as the pain subsides and I try to find comfort in the discomfort

And I continue to feel the wetness between my thighs

Feeling you slowly slip from me

Dripping and gliding into this white container

I can’t help but ask

Why me?

2004 Copyright FMAddison

Just Missing That Lady...

It's been 10 years since my Mother transitioned.  I get it and understand that the one promise made when you are given life is that it will one day end.  Still there are moments where my heart doesn't want to hear that.  It wants to be pissed off, cry, show my frustration to the world on me not having my mother here in the physical form.

I'm a spiritual person and understand that there is life beyond what the physical can fathom, but the bottom line is I crave that physical so much, see the physical understands that your Mother is the closet thing you can relate to the Higher Power, the Creator if you will.  My Mother was that to me.  She taught me how to use my mind, have faith but don't believe blindly (my Father taught me that too, but on a different level).  She taught me how to read my dreams, she taught me the importance of being trustworthy.  Don't say it if you don't mean it, even if it hurts someone, but always give until it hurts.  She gave me Stevie Wonder & Marvin Gaye.  She made me paper dolls and taught me to read.  She taught me the "that's my house" game when we would ride around in Oakland & Berkeley Hills looking at the beautiful homes, when she couldn't afford to take us to the movies.  She taught me how to smile and to love life.  I have to admit, for a long time I've forgotten how to smile and love life.  I have to get it back because it is a total disrespect to her memory and I can't do that because she was and is such a beautiful Spirit. Yeah, I have to get that back...

This Weekend...

It was all about Mr. Prince Rogers Nelson this weekend for me. Yes, he was back in the town, San Jose this time and I had to see him.  I figure I need to make up for all the times my mother wouldn't let me go and see him when I was a teenager.  He is awesome and I have to admit I've seen a lot of good concerts in my time, but his concerts have been the best that I've been to.  He performed a good portion of his hits, changed lyrics here and there due to his new outlook on life.  As much as I wanted to hear the original versions, I respect growth and enlightenment  So whatever works for him, I'm fine with it as the Brotha is TALENTED.  Yet a little Irresistible Bitch or Erotic City would have been nice to hear. ;o)~

As  you can see, I'm going to host two blogs.  Once for my research and one for personal updates.  I have to start writing again and I guess blogging will be the outlet needed to stir the pot again.

Work is work, home is home, bills are bills, but I'm happy to report I have a crush... ;o)~  42 and having a crush, something seems lopsided about that.  It's a good feeling though, he'll never find out and I'll romanticize about it in my head for as long as it is needed and get back into my reality.  You ever notice when you are crushing on someone, everywhere you turn you hear their name or something pops up that reminds you of them?  Now I could just be seeing things, but I believe in the subliminal as well as karma.  So I don't know, but I even saw his name while playing Treasure Isle so you tell me?  

Well this is it for my first and hopefully not last entry.  Be Peace!