In that 10 years I have mourned every milli-second of her leaving. For me, the loss defies description. There was never any doubt in my mind that she hasn't gone on to something beautiful. To leave the people she loved the most - it had to be awesome so that in itself brings me some form of peace.
There is not a place today that I can look to or think of that doesn't have some form of memory of her. Even things and people that occurred after she left. That's how powerful this friendship was/is to me.
The day she left was a wake up call like no other, as weird as it may sound the rose-colored glasses truly shattered and people, places and things had such a different look and feel. Was Bren the rose-colored glasses? Maybe.
My friendships changed after that. Some of those understood, some just didn't give a damn. Which basically translates to some friendships became stronger while others ran their course. Brenda truly taught me the meaning of the thin line between love and hate (we weren't always friends). My friendship with her taught me the bad in good people and helped me recognize the love of an enemy.
She taught me that some people are worth the fight. She also taught me to not be so quick to judge when you are not the one that has a full understanding of the final plan. I have to give it to her, that last lesson was the most profound. There were things in life prior to that I always needed to know why (why, why and why) I still wonder that, but it doesn't consume me like before. But get this - this lesson happened the day I realized she closed her eyes the final time. All the things I questioned suddenly had an answer. I'm just pissed I had to lose my friend in the process.
I hope everyone has a chance to experience that type of friendship. Not one based on material and competitiveness. When it is based on those two things it really isn't a friendship, it is enemies that love one another. Always that one-upmanship. Based on envy, jealousy and let's be frank here - hate.
Some people waste a life time on those ill relationships. My advice - more power to you. The 19 year relationship with Brenda that ended as painfully as it did I'd take any day over the bullshit friendships I witness.
- Friends do not count your money for you, monitor what car, clothes and jewelry you wear.
- Friends do not use you for access to things they wouldn't normally have access to.
- Friends do not have to question your loyalty as there will never be any doubt.
- Friends tell you when you are wrong, but love you anyway.
- Friends know and recognize you are not, will not be the only friend they ever have - that makes this life boring and stagnant.
- Friends teach you lessons with or without knowing it. Sometimes observing is the best classroom you'll ever sit in.
- Friends see all that is within you and promote you to strive for the best. Besides your family they are your greatest cheerleader.
If Brenda were here to read this she'd wonder when and where I picked all of this up from her. My answer to her would be, "observing, observing...".
