Greetings Getoflower philosofe!

Getoflower philosofe

 

 

 

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Greetings Getoflower philosofe

 

 

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How Are You Getoflower philosofe?

 

 

 

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Tired of Being Tired...

I'm back...

It has been a long time since I've blogged, so I'll give some clues on what I've been going through since my last entry of about 4 years ago.

·        I still read occasional smut.

·        I was bit by the Sciatic nerve bug about three years ago and I am just now feeling better.

Smut & Sciatica… Should be interesting?!  Well, not really – but get the smut portion out of your brain.  I simply added it for shock factor.  It seems to work for everyone else – maybe it will work for me? ……... NAH… Okay, on to the REAL!

November 2013, on an early morning while getting dressed - I bent over to pick up a sock that I had dropped.  I did it the correct way, bent knees – all of that.  But if a pain that could have only been delivered by the Devil himself didn’t shoot up my right leg and back and knock me literally to my knees.  I then laid on the floor for about 20min until I could gain the strength to stand up.  Slowly I made it (I'd estimate it took me 10min to simply stand up).

Now anyone that knows me, knows I cannot stand Doctors, Hospitals – none of it.  But I hibble-hobbled my tail right to Kim’s room and told her I needed to go to the hospital right then and there.  She of course jumped out of bed and handled it.  For me to admit it is time to see a Doctor is a minor miracle in itself.

I was diagnosed with it being Sciatic and given a prescription of Gabapentin and a list of stretches to do.  Oh, and to avoid stairs.

Well the summary of that is this:

I live in a house with two flights of stairs, my bedroom being on the top floor - you can't just up and move.

I took the meds and half ass-half assed the stretches.  Let me break that down one more time. I HALF ASS-HALF ASSED the stretches.  Which translates to doing them every other month.  I was scared to walk for any length of time <which was NOT me>  which caused me to pretty much become even more of a homebody than I already had been, because I didn't trust myself walking for long distances or long periods of time.

Early last year (a year and some change after the diagnosis) I went to DC for an industry conference, where we had to run between Houses and speak to various Senators, I was in so much pain, walking slower than everyone else (something I simply did not do prior to sciatic) and as I sat on a concrete bench in the cold of DC (it actually soothed the inflamed nerve) because I no longer had the strength or energy to walk with the others, I knew then that I had to do SOMETHING.

First I'm overweight.  I'd like to think I'm at least 75lbs overweight.  Which in some arenas, is a half of another person.   How that came to be is of course my fault, I purposely gained weight.  I was an average weight teen, but growing up in Oakland, a girl with meat and curves meant a whole lot.  So I purposely ate more, trying to gain the weight.  Never taking in account that even if I gained weight, I'm not built like my Big Booty Neighborhood Sisters.  Had I only taken a moment to really pay attention to the women in my family, I would have used common sense and just said no to all of the extra I was eating, because the ladies in our family are not built that way. <Yes, it is okay to laugh here, because I am cracking up>.

I'm embarrassed to say I caught a clue by my very early twenties when I noticed that I really wished my butt was the size of my gut.  By then, it was too late, that weight had kicked in and clearly is a black belt in Karate, because it keeps on kicking.

Yet - I've always been mobile.  I've never been much of an exercise type of person, but when I've gotten a bit too big for my taste, I'd always be able to curb my diet a bit and walk it off and get a good 20lbs off of me.

Well, with a desk job, good and plenty into my 40's - that sciatic bitch decided to visit.  Yes she did.  And I finally felt what it would be like to not be able to move around, be mobile.  I'm single, no children of my own, getting older - um, I need to be able to take care of myself. I have never been anyone's burden and truly do not plan to become one.  Not to mention a lot of the other symptoms that come with getting older, the joint pain, not being as spry as you once were.  I feel it now more than ever and I realize it will not get any better.  I need to get my life in order.  Health is the true wealth.

Upon my return to California I was introduced to a trainer and have been working with her for almost a year, I've been able to keep off 15 of the 28lbs lost.  Which is good.  I work out 3 times a week (Mon, Wed, Fri).  I admit there are times I'm going strong, but then I fall off and it is so hard to get back into routine, but I try and I succeed each time.  That is a first for me.  That is good.  I stretch more, before exercising and now I do the stretches at home (not as much as I should) but I do it more than when it was originally prescribed to me.   IT.IS.NOT.EASY. I’m sore as hell as I type this.  But I'm committed, I just wish it wasn't such a struggle - but the way I see it, I have to do it NOW - the longer I wait, the older I'll get and the harder it will be.

This is what I'm tired of being tired about.  I'm tired of the self-sabotage!!! I want to keep going until I get to my desired weight.  I want to learn how to eat in moderation. I'll do really well w/ the diet for about 30 days, and fall off for two weeks - therefore sabotaging all of the work that I put in w/ the exercise.  I'm tired of being tired of this self-destructive roller coaster.  It is exhausting!  What is wrong with me?

My Doctor is ecstatic at my new routine and has altered my high blood pressure medicine.  I complain a lot about the aches and pains – which I’m sure is from all of the exercising (and getting older, let’s be honest) – because I truly no longer have many sciatic symptoms <yayyyyy>!!!  My wonderful Doctor explained it is the weight.  So for every 5lbs you lose, it’s like 20lbs being lost on your knees and joints. 

I've realized some things though.  I've realized that sugar plays a big part. Honestly I'm not a sweet tooth type of person, but I've noticed that because I have convinced myself that I do not need my drug of choice (white rice and gravy) the sugar bug has turned sinister.  I crave things I never craved before. Pop Tarts <ewww>.  I crave various types of candy that I've never craved before.  So that tells me that this sugar jones is real.  It's like substituting one high for another and I can't.  I need my life back. MINE. What are they putting in this crap?  This is NOT pure cane sugar!

So a good buddy of mine, my FB Wonder Twin is in it with me. 1^st step is 10-Day SUGAR DETOX – very hard.  VERY.HARD. As I type this we are in Day Three and this is the day I knew would drive me crazy.  If I can get through two more days, I think I’ll make it. 

I’m just tired of being tired.  I want to live to be a hundred. How amazing would that be?  My Grandfather made it to 94 so I think I have a good chance.  I want to run a marathon.  I want get me a young boyfriend (Hot Thang).  I want to ride on a motorcycle by myself.  I want to learn to fly a helicopter.  I want to be able to do all of these things, but FIRST… I NEED to get this weight off of me.  I need to stop with the destruction of me. 

So in order to do that.  I need to make myself accountable.  I’m posting pictures of myself (and I always hate my pics – never was a good pic taker, lol) as it stands at this moment.  I’ve lost inches from the workout.  I can tell and my clothes do fit a lot looser than they did at this same weight prior to working out (you can’t really tell as I look like Baby Huey right now in these pics).  These are pics of myself after I worked out Monday night, so forgive the roughness.  I weighed in at 227.8 this morning.  It’s coming off y’all.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of being tired of being tired.  Let’s do THIS… 

So until next time, I'm blogging this journey.  To remind myself why I need to do this. 

Reading...

I know, I know - it's been a 100 moons since the last time I blogged.  I'm writing again!  Excited about that, but that's not what I'm here to blog about today.

I recently begin reading a genre that I really never cared for, erotica.  I say that because in the books I've read there was never any good writing except for maybe Anne Rice's books, but as much as I love her writing - she never fully got me there.  I'm just not into it.

How I stumbled into reading this genre, a good friend told me to read the Fifty Shades Trilogy.  Which I did.  First book good, second book bad, third book better than the second but not as good as the first.  My opinion, bad writing.  I wanted to scream every time I read, "Laters Baby".  Too repetitive, unbelievable things that made my eyeballs roll up into the back of my head and I begin to fear that maybe they would get stuck there.  

I wouldn't call this set of novels true erotica, they are a more watered down version, romance with kink.  The genre is referred to as "Mommy Porn" which is the step-sister to traditional erotica.  So then I figured, maybe I should read other authors in this genre.  To get a feel of what is really out there.  

Same thing.  I did however pick up on an author by the name of Sylvia Day, the author of the Crossfire Series: Bared to You & Reflected in You who is a better writer.  She has a  repetitive bone as well, but it is not as obvious - she is smart enough to throw it in another story and not the series.  I can see her growth from her earlier work to this recent series and I can see me reading more of her work in the future.

But the more I read I noticed other authors changing up their styles to get on the Fifty Shades train and it was sad.  Real sad.  I'm a writer and as much as I would love to be on the NY Bestseller list for weeks on end and to bounce from book signing to book signing and have my book be on the lips of an enormous audience as the best book ever, I cannot change up my writing style to ride on the coat tails of another's success.  Can't do it. 

However there was a surprise waiting for me.  An author by the name of CJ Roberts.  The Dark Duet Series: Captive of the Dark and Seduced in the Dark are awesome reads.  AWESOME.  These books were unlike anything I've ever read.

The writing is great, the story is great.  I had to read both books again and normally I do not do that.  Once I've read a book, I've read a book.  How I usually tell my "gems" are the ones I pick up over and over again.  It wasn't driven by the sex, that was a plus lol, but it was more psychological than anything else.  It was dark, made me feel uncomfortable and intrigued at the same time.  

She didn't take on too many characters.  It was focused and a damn good read.  The first book I read in about 7 hours.  The second book would have been the same way - but I had to force myself to put it down to get some rest.  Still ended up waking up about 2am to attempt to finish it before I had to go to work.  The bummed out part was I couldn't find much else by this author - but I'm waiting patiently. 

I've come up with this summary.  It is worth reading 100 bad stories to get to one great one.  I'm glad I'm that type of reader.  I won't blast any authors out there - because I'm struggling myself.  However I will say this, be true to yourself and to your art.  This genre works its way into pretty much all fiction.  Who doesn't want to read about romance, great sex and adventure?  Still the bottom line is great writing and storytelling - that is the glue, otherwise it all falls apart.

Enemies in Love

When September approaches it will be 10 years that my best friend Brenda Smith went on to greener pastures.  


In that 10 years I have mourned every milli-second of her leaving.  For me, the loss defies description.  There was never any doubt in my mind that she hasn't gone on to something beautiful.  To leave the people she loved the most - it had to be awesome so that in itself brings me some form of peace.


There is not a place today that I can look to or think of that doesn't have some form of memory of her.  Even things and people that occurred after she left.  That's how powerful this friendship was/is to me.  


The day she left was a wake up call like no other, as weird as it may sound the rose-colored glasses truly shattered and people, places and things had such a different look and feel.  Was Bren the rose-colored glasses?  Maybe.


My friendships changed after that.  Some of those understood, some just didn't give a damn.  Which basically translates to some friendships became stronger while others ran their course.  Brenda truly taught me the meaning of the thin line between love and hate (we weren't always friends).  My friendship with her taught me the bad in good people and helped me recognize the  love of an enemy.  


She taught me that some people are worth the fight. She also taught me to not be so quick to judge when you are not the one that has a full understanding of the final plan.  I have to give it to her, that last lesson was the most profound.  There were things in life prior to that I always needed to know why  (why, why and why) I still wonder that, but it doesn't consume me like before.  But get this - this lesson happened the day I realized she closed her eyes the final time.  All the things I questioned suddenly had an answer.  I'm just pissed I had to lose my friend in the process.


I hope everyone has a chance to experience that type of friendship.  Not one based on material and competitiveness.  When it is based on those two things it really isn't a friendship, it is enemies that love one another.  Always that one-upmanship.  Based on envy, jealousy and let's be frank here - hate.


Some people waste a life time on those ill relationships.  My advice - more power to you.  The 19 year relationship with Brenda that ended as painfully as it did I'd take any day over the bullshit friendships I witness. 

• Friends do not count your money for you, monitor what car, clothes and jewelry you wear.  
• Friends do not use you for access to things they wouldn't normally have access to.
• Friends do not have to question your loyalty as there will never be any doubt.
• Friends tell you when you are wrong, but love you anyway.
• Friends know and recognize you are not, will not be the only friend they ever have - that makes this life boring and stagnant.
• Friends teach you lessons with or without knowing it.  Sometimes observing is the best classroom you'll ever sit in.
• Friends see all that is within you and promote you to strive for the best.  Besides your family they are your greatest cheerleader.

People are not perfect, some friendships have sprinkles of the above.  Real friendships work those sprinkles out for the bigger picture.   


If Brenda were here to read this she'd wonder when and where I picked all of this up from her.  My answer to her would be, "observing, observing...".