Antenna with Aluminum Foil... Reception VOID!

After 14 years of locing my hair I decided to get the scissors and be done with it.  I've always viewed my locs as a form of antennae and have come to the conclusion that the reception is no longer clear.

These locs have been with me through the ups and downs; highs and lows.  I believe they carry the weight of my strength and pain. Yet sometimes it is quite alright to let go - and that is just what I've done.

When I first began to loc, I was natural for about 3 months prior to doing so.  My greatest regret is that I felt I loc'd too soon.  That I should have enjoyed my natural hair with different styles prior to taking that leap into locs.  However I wanted locs and had talked about having them at least 10 years prior to taking the leap, so the locs beat out me experiencing dealing with my natural hair.  Well now I'm dealing with it, lol.

I wash it every other day and moisturize, moisturize and moisturize.  I still want to cut more of it off, because approximately an inch of it is damaged from the weight of the locs and coloring.  I'm almost a full month out of the locs and I really enjoy my hair.  I sleep much better the weight and length of the locs do not have to be considered when sleeping.  And I can't wait to start swimming on a regular again - with locs, it can be a task, at least it was for me.

Will I loc again?  Of COURSE! I loved them.  My soul will let me know when it is time to do so.  Right now the my hair wants no constraints - it just wants to be free.

If you are one that feels that Black Fathers are non-existent I feel for you, because mine was there. He wasn't perfect by any means, but he understood the importance of a Father to a Child & did what he could to be there. Knowing him like I do when he couldn't do all that he wanted to for us it hurt him deep, his tough exterior said otherwise, but he was a big softy on the inside & in no way COWARDLY.

He always told me when it was my time to choose my mate (as it is the WOMANS choice) always choose someone like him or better than him (he prefered better).  I've made my mistakes, but what has always brought me back was that advice. So sometimes I'm tough on the brothers because I've actually seen what a man is supposed to be & refuse less than. But he also told me when you have that mentality the weak ones run... He ain't never lied!(or at least not about THAT, lol)

When child-support would dwindle his check to $11 take home - did he give up? No, he hustled LEGALLY, second job, painting houses, cutting grass & STILL provided a home for all of his children to come to & know one another - THATS A FATHER. He never cried "poor me" he knew what he created & made the best of it. THAT'S A FATHER.

Keep in mind, he had 5 daughters, 1 baby momma, 2 ex-wives and a current wife with two step-sons, not to mention playing a huge father role in children's lives that he did not create - so if anybody ever wanted to run, it should have been him - BUT HE DID NOT.   Rest in Peace, Power and Prosperity Daddy - you more than anyone deserve that. Love you to the bone!

- originally written - Father's Day 2011

What is Family?

What is Family? I ask myself that many times a day. This research of mine brings joy, heartache and surprises. However being the person I am I take it as it is. 

I want to know because I NEED to know. If something beautiful can blossom from it I'm ready for it. If it is information that I am supposed to simply document, I'm fine with that too.

Last night I was texting with my Great Grandmother's Brother's Great Granddaughter, lol. So basically our Great Grandparents are siblings. Here you have two people seeking the same thing - knowledge of their ancestors.

But does that make us family?

The blood is there - but does that make us family?

We can talk about names and dates and locations - but does that make us family?

I say yes, because we do share all of that, however if we leave it at just that what will it really mean? You have all of this information that can explain how you came to be, well you - but once you get that what else is there?

I think about my relationship with my sister Kim. We share parents. When we turned 18 and out of the care of our parents we didn't have to speak to one another again. We didn't have to continue a relationship with each other as we were already family - nothing we could change about that. However if I had just left that girl alone when I turned 18 I would have missed out on a lifetime of joy and happiness, irritation and laughter.

Then in the same token I meet a neighbor at the age of 14 and we are arch enemies - as time goes on and we grow up and I realize I am the ying to her yang and it feels as if my mother birthed her too then she is my family. There is no blood there but the bond is not denied.

So I've come to the realization that Family is what you make it. Yes blood and ancestry is a major part - but if you do not work on what solidifies it, you miss out on so much.

My family is a gumbo - rich with all that makes it delicious. Some we see eye to eye and some well lets just say we really have to work on it. One thing I'm blessed in is loving unconditionally. I accept you for you - even if I don't like you, lol. You don't need to be like me. You don't need to think like me. That's all I ask is that you be you and lets work at it... Who knows? Maybe in time you'll be the ying to my yang...

Remembering My Mother...

Lois Johnson 1964 (striped jacket)

This time of year is always a rough time of year; I lost my Mother on New Years Eve of 2000.  However one of my Mother's oldest friends sent me a picture of them in 1964, my Mom was 16 years old.  It feels like I'm looking into a mirror I look so much like her.  This made my day and I know it will make the rest of this season all that much better.


I remember for almost two years after she went on I didn't look in the mirror because I wouldn't see myself I'd see only her.  I totally forgot about that until I saw this picture today.  

Occupy Movement.... Confused Feelings

Morning all...

As I do what I tell myself I shouldn't do in the morning (tune into the news) I can't help but speak up on this...

Port closure -West Coast...

I am a Customs Broker by profession. What that means is I am one of many people in the country that is an agent to Importers that processes their inbound shipments through Customs and various Government Agencies. Now once I do this work which is a headache one willingly jumps into, I have to send a trucker in to one of these ports to grab these containers to deliver to the final destination the Importer, my Customer.

Now I have many Customers, most of whom are small to mid sized businesses (35 and under employees) these are people that in spite of the economy refused to lay people off. All employees agreed to a shorter work week ( yes all employees) as the Importer has been very good to them over the years. One of the trucking companies I use instead of laying off their people laid off the OWNERS and THEY got 2nd jobs so they didn't have to lay any of the workers off.

They are the 99% too...

Now I support Occupy 100% however I think that in trying to prove an Occupy Point one should really check to see what they are doing to the 99% in the process. In some ways it makes you no better than the 1%.

Oakland Port has been suffering for awhile due to I don't know... Bullshit? What was once a vibrant port is turning into the step-child twice removed. But guess what? Shutting the port down doesn't help it. Taking the protest to the downtown Oakland streets where the decisions are made makes sense. Giving them the flybird on their doorstep will have a stronger effect than at the port - because they do not want their lawns dirty.  They could give a damn what you do at the port - believe me.  It's like the Rodney King verdict - tearing up your own streets when that shit should have been taken to Simi Valley.

Now I'm going to drag myself into this office and explain to my customers why they won't get their containers today and they will be just as conflicted as I am - they support the Occupy, but dammit they need to feed their families too.  What was that, don't cut off your nose to spite your face?

Think about it...

Holla at me - always open to talking about it - but you know me I give as good as I get... Peace... PLEASE.

Words

I remember when I was approximately 13 years old, at home listening to music, I don't quite remember the actual song, but I remember my mother watching me as I listened to the music and I how I responded to it.  Something about the way I responded to the music must have irritated her at some point because she turned down the stereo (yep, stereo) and asked me what I was listening to.  I told her the title of the song and who was singing and thought that would be sufficient enough for her to turn the music back up.  She asked me again, "what are you listening to?"  My young mind had no idea what was going on with her, yep she had been sipping the sauce a bit, but I knew the difference between an intoxicated parent and one that was being serious.  This one was being serious.

Thinking that possibly she didn't hear me the first time, I repeated it again.  She had to hear me that time, so I reached for the dial to turn the music back up and she pushed my hand away.  "What ARE you LISTENING to?" she asked again.  A bit irritated myself but knowing how to keep it to myself I simply answered "I just told you what the song was and who was singing it".

She looked at me a bit perplexed and told me to put on Marvin Gaye's What's Going On album.  I was very irritated then.  I was doing just fine with what I was listening to, I sucked on my teeth and hid an eye roll as I did what I was told.  My Mother used to drive me crazy with Marvin Gaye.  I remember times when she would grab the album and I would have a full fit.  Yes, cry and everything. See that Aries in me can be a spoiled brat at times because it wasn't what I wanted to listen to and she was doing this purposely to screw up my world.

So the first lyrics, "Mother Mother..." oh boy! Woo hoo... (12-13 year old sarcasm here).  I sat there uninterested and she begin to sing the words with him (my Mother had a beautiful voice by the way).  She turned the music down a bit and begin explaining to me how I needed to be very mindful on what I listened to.  That music itself had a way of seducing you and you really don't pay attention to the message.  So the music itself could be beautiful, but the words... The WORDS can be destructive, demeaning, unloving and when both are connected the seduction of the music makes the word gospel and who wants destructive, demeaning and unloving words to be Gospel?

I must have looked confused at what she was stating, because she then broke it down in layman's terms - "Before shaking your ass to the music, listen to the what they are SAYING first."

Something about that flicked on the lights.  I finally listened to the album.  Forget the 1000's of times prior to it being played in my lifetime as it is truly a part of My Lifetime Soundtrack, but I finally got it.  No longer did I throw a tantrum when my Mother decided to play what I deemed "Her music".  I played and listened to it with her.  Asked her questions while the music told the story.

Yesterday taking my Godchildren home after them spending the weekend with me, I was subjected to KMEL from Foster City to Oakland. Aside from Outkast's Ms. Jackson all the other music spoke about beating the pu**y up, going raw, doing her and her friend and I'm being as PC as I can right now.  I purposely listened to it to watch how my kids listened to the music.  They didn't.  They just bopped their heads to the music and probably would have danced had there been room in my Beetle.  Now for that I'm grateful that it was a music thing, not a word thing.  However - the seduction of the music I'm very fearful of for them and their young minds.  They soak it up and do not realize what they are internalizing.

Next weekend... I'm going to have to have me a What's Going On discussion...

Words, very important.  It is one the most important ways of communicating with one another.  If the words aren't right, then we aren't communicating correctly.  Yes it is entertainment and expression.  Yet if while I was a young girl all I heard is about how I'm viewed as just ass and meat, wow... I cannot even fathom the thought.  The best love songs have nothing to do with sex.  The words... The words. Mere words. Can change the world.

What are YOU listening to?

If We Are Made In His Image...

I've been a bad one.  Bad in the sense that I had planned on blogging along the way about the different things I've been experiencing while being more conscious of who I am and no longer running from who I am.

It may be somewhere on the face of this blog, but I live in Foster City, CA.  Where I live in Foster City happens to be a high population of Asians.  When my sister and I first moved here we noticed we were always being stared at or in some cases even being ran away from.  To say that is offensive is putting it rather mildly.

We work hard and deserve the opportunity to live where we choose and right now we happen to like living in Foster City.  It is 10min away from our respective work places; close enough to the San Mateo Bridge in case we need to make that quick East Bay excursion.  So at this time in our lives, it works.

The situation where we were "ran" from, we were pulling into the garage of our apartment complex and this Asian family (father, mother, daughter of about 3 years old and a toddler in a stroller) happened to be walking towards the door that leads to the lobby of our apartment complex from the garage.  The minute they recognized we were "different' they begin literally running to the door to hurry and get in and close it before we could get out of the car to get to the door.  At first I didn't think anything of it, because it was mostly the little girl that kept staring, until I saw her mother snatch her and push her through the door and then the father who was wheeling the stroller behind them almost pushed the baby into the door and then turned his head to look at us and slam the door closed.

Now I'm going to be very honest here.  When Kim and I looked at each other in amazement at what we just witnessed, because it wasn't just me that saw it.  Instantly we wanted to bring East Oakland to Foster City.  We get out of the car, grabbing our groceries, cursing and damn near spitting at what we just experienced and begin bringing up previous experiences that we've had while living here, not truly understanding the "why" of it all.

I'll say it again, we both work hard and deserve to live wherever we choose.  We pretty much keep to ourselves, no drama comes from our particular address, you understand?  So why are we being treated this way?  I could go into a list of other things we've experienced, but I'll keep to this one.

Now back to what I've been experiencing lately and changes I've been making in my life will hopefully tie this all together.  I've been meditating more, being more aware of life as a whole and my fit into it.  I've had some situations in my life that left me feeling broken and finally decided to find my own peace my own way.  So in doing that and trying to radiate as much love as I possibly can from this soul of mine and trying to walk as the Divine would walk.  I've decided - that is the issue.

What I have failed to see about myself and my people others have seen it long ago, we just haven't seen it or have been aware of it.  We radiate something that does cause fear.  The fear of the Unknown and many can recognize the Most High, but are fearful of it.  My soul tells me this, my soul that I'm finally listening to.

So the other day while getting into the elevator with another one of my neighbors, you could see she felt uncomfortable being alone in an elevator with me.  I had grocery bags in my hand just as she did, both of us looking as if we had a hard day at work and just wanted to get in the house and relax, but the difference was her discomfort and more importantly my outlook on her fear.  She should fear the Most High, but be respectful of it.  So as my stop came before hers, I simply turned to her as I got off of the elevator and told her to have a great evening and get some rest.  Offered her my most radiant of smiles and walked to my door.  This time I wasn't angry or offended.  I accepted my gift and walking in it finally.  Ashe.